Alright friends.
Time to be honest. I quit. Cold turkey. I did it. What is it that I quit, you ask?
PAXIL
I am officially off Paxil.
(Feel free to call Michael and/or my children to offer your condolences, support, shelter, etc.).
For anyone who knows about Paxil withdrawals, you understand what this meant for my family. For those of you who are not familiar with the withdrawal symptoms, think The Wicked Witch meets Mommy Dearest. Add unprovoked tears, extreme irritability, and horrible electric zaps running through your body with every move. Don't even dare to add loud noises or chaos (in a family of six... yeah right!).
You also must know that the phrase we have lived by in our house for the past many years is this:
"PAXIL means PEACE"
My poor family.
Through this experience there has been a few things that have occured that I think are worth writing down. Please forgive the lack of elequency as I write, for I am simply typing as I'm thinking... not something I do well (typing OR thinking)... especially while not on Paxil. Hahaha (it's true).
When I first decided to quit taking Paxil so that I could find something better suited for what I need, I told ("warned") my family. I explained to my kids that it had been 4 days since I had taken my Paxil and that I was starting to feel the physical side effects of not doing so. Because of this, I was irritable and frustrated. I also TRIED to assure them that I was aware of my irritability and lack of patience and was taking whatever means necessary to remain calm.
Gladi-Rose quickly came up to me and sat right next to me on the couch. While gently resting her hand on my forearm, she tilted her head to the side, looked into my eyes, and patted my arm. "You're doin' real good, Momma."
What a big girl. She is truly a blessing to our family. Heavenly Father knew we needed her! She is such a peacemaker in our home. She is often the first to give in to a conflict or to try and find a solution for arguing (fighting) siblings. She craves harmony and really helps to create it.
Another thing that has happened is that I cried. I don't mean sobbing because I'm sad, or crying because I'm feeling hopeless. I just mean crying. And a lot of it. Not really for any good reason.
Last Sunday the girls were still sick and I was still "zapping" off my Paxil and not coping well. We decided that we would not go to church (they'd get everyone sick and I needed family time). We went for a drive instead (I needed this and God knew it, so no preaching, ok?) :-).
Here's about how the drive went:
No sunshine nearby. I cry
Decide to drive North to follow the blue sky. I cry
Feel like we're NEVER going to make it to the blue sky. I cry
Finally make it to the blue sky. I cry
Look at the pretty Eagles. I Cry
See the guy standing on the corner with the HOMELESS sign. I Cry
Listen to Weird Al song. I Cry
Pass the cemetery. I Cry
Laugh about camping memories. I Cry
Realize Austin is going to the dances this summer. I cry
Talk about Michael's grandma passing away. I DON'T CRY (Huh? That's odd)
Kids point out that I didn't cry. I CRY!
I cried because I didn't cry?!?!
It was actually quite comical. These weren't full-on crying fits. Just tearing up and spilling over, onto the cheeks enough that I couldn't hide it from the family.
I believe that memory will actually be something that we will continue to look back on with fond memories. I know... my family's a little (ok, a lot) strange.
The most wonderful thing that has come of this experience so far, though, has got to be my husband. He is amazing. He has been beyond supportive. I could not have even imagined the amount of support and love he has given me through this.
He has sent me away while he puts the kids to bed.
He has told me I'm "doin' real good" in grown up terms.
He has brought me flowers.
He has cleaned the house.
He has not taken it personally when I have bitten his head off for what I thought was a perfectly good reason at the time (it was trivial and childish).
He has gone out of his way to communicate with me when he will be late from work.
He has not freaked out when he gets home and I have done no housework.
He has done so many other things...
He has shown me unconditional love in its true form.
Never can I doubt his love for me (not that I did before, but I now have proof).
I can only hope to be the kind of friend and love to him that he has been to me.
These past two and a half weeks have been misery for me. Probably the darkest days of my life. But, thanks to Mr. Amazing, they have not been as dark as they had the potential to be. And, also thanks to him, my children have not suffered as they could have.
My prayer for you (whoever you are) is that you, too, will someday experience such true devotion and love.
This is the kind of love I imagine my Father in Heaven having for me. For you.
Gain a testimony of this love and you will never be the same.
I know I won't.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
"Mom... I'm so sorry... I didn't mean to do it."
What do you get when you combine an 11 year old, a BB gun, and a sleeping mom? A broken van window. Is it your own broken van window? No... it's your sweet, elderly neighbor's broken van window.
I was half-awake this morning and trying to go back to sleep when I heard a strange noise. I thought about getting up to see what it was, but decided that I could get in an extra 1/2 hour of sleep if I didn't sit up and look out my bedroom window. Just as I started to doze back into my wonderful land of oblivion, I heard my bedroom door being quietly cracked open. I opened my eyes to see Benjamin staring at me with huge eyes and tears spilling onto his cheeks.
"Mom... I'm so sorry... I didn't mean to do it."
These are not words you want to hear from your child.
It turns out that Benjamin was bored and decided to occupy his time by getting his BB gun out. And using it. Without permission or supervision. Without safety glasses. Not in the backyard. Not aiming at the specified target.
No... he decided that he'd try shooting the leaves off the cherry tree. In the front yard. With the road right past the tree. With the dear, sweet neighbor's van right across the road.
This was one of those moments that parents hope they never have to deal with. But here it was and I was faced with a decision.
Was I to start yelling and nagging about rules and safety and responsibility? Or was I to help him clean up this mess (both literally and figuratively)?
I went with the latter. I held him as he sobbed with remorse and fear. When he finally calmed down we talked about what should happen next. He decided that he needed to talk to our neighbor before he did anything else. I was almost as nervous as he was. Fortunately (it gave us both time to calm down), our neighbor wasn't home. Benjamin sat down at the kitchen table and wrote a very nice letter explaining what happened and asking our neighbor to call him so that he could find out how much money it would cost to replace the window. He then went to her door and pinned the note where she couldn't miss it upon returning home.
The next thing to do was to call Dad. The tears started again. This time he was so distraught that I couldn't calm him down. He wasn't able to tell his dad what happened, so I broke the news. Lucky me.
We decided that Benjamin needed to go and clean up as much of the glass as possible before our neighbor returned. So off we went with a very large dust pan to put the glass in. As he started picking up the pieces of glass, I sat down near him and started helping. Benjamin seemed to be surprised that I was helping him instead of yelling at him. I explained that right now was not the time for lecturing. Right now was the time for getting this taken care of... the talking would come later.
As we were cleaning, the neighbor came home. She was very understanding. Having raised many children of her own, she had seen many a broken window. I was grateful for her attitude. She called her insurance company and found out the cost of the replacement. She has a $100 deductible. Michael and I will pay her tomorrow, but Benjamin doesn't know this. He will be spending the next few months worth of Saturdays working to earn money. At $5.00 per hour, that's a lot of work to be done. He will be taking the neighbor money as he earns it to pay for the window. She will thank him and then return the money to us (without him knowing).
My brother got into some trouble as a teenager for egging the car of a gentleman from church. My parents paid for the damage up front, but Shane had to face that man every Sunday and remember the consequences and severity of his actions every time he handed him money to go towards the total amount owed. This kind man would thank Shane and promptly hand the money over to my mom or dad.
Shane said that facing this man at church every Sunday was worse that the work he had to do to earn the money. Every time he had to give him money, Shane was reminded of his actions... and even more determined to not be so stupid again!
I pray that Benjamin will learn from this. That, as he faces our neighbor, he will learn (again and again and again) that every action has a consequence. And that part of life is learning to be accountable and responsible for your mistakes.
It has also been decided that Benjamin will not be using a BB gun, slingshot, bow and arrows, or any other "weapon", until he completes his hunter's safety course this summer.
I truly believe that the Lord blessed me today with patience and understanding. I believe that we handled this the right way... I pray that Benjamin (and our other children) learned enough from this incident to never do anything like this again.
I hope.
I was half-awake this morning and trying to go back to sleep when I heard a strange noise. I thought about getting up to see what it was, but decided that I could get in an extra 1/2 hour of sleep if I didn't sit up and look out my bedroom window. Just as I started to doze back into my wonderful land of oblivion, I heard my bedroom door being quietly cracked open. I opened my eyes to see Benjamin staring at me with huge eyes and tears spilling onto his cheeks.
"Mom... I'm so sorry... I didn't mean to do it."
These are not words you want to hear from your child.
It turns out that Benjamin was bored and decided to occupy his time by getting his BB gun out. And using it. Without permission or supervision. Without safety glasses. Not in the backyard. Not aiming at the specified target.
No... he decided that he'd try shooting the leaves off the cherry tree. In the front yard. With the road right past the tree. With the dear, sweet neighbor's van right across the road.
This was one of those moments that parents hope they never have to deal with. But here it was and I was faced with a decision.
Was I to start yelling and nagging about rules and safety and responsibility? Or was I to help him clean up this mess (both literally and figuratively)?
I went with the latter. I held him as he sobbed with remorse and fear. When he finally calmed down we talked about what should happen next. He decided that he needed to talk to our neighbor before he did anything else. I was almost as nervous as he was. Fortunately (it gave us both time to calm down), our neighbor wasn't home. Benjamin sat down at the kitchen table and wrote a very nice letter explaining what happened and asking our neighbor to call him so that he could find out how much money it would cost to replace the window. He then went to her door and pinned the note where she couldn't miss it upon returning home.
The next thing to do was to call Dad. The tears started again. This time he was so distraught that I couldn't calm him down. He wasn't able to tell his dad what happened, so I broke the news. Lucky me.
We decided that Benjamin needed to go and clean up as much of the glass as possible before our neighbor returned. So off we went with a very large dust pan to put the glass in. As he started picking up the pieces of glass, I sat down near him and started helping. Benjamin seemed to be surprised that I was helping him instead of yelling at him. I explained that right now was not the time for lecturing. Right now was the time for getting this taken care of... the talking would come later.
As we were cleaning, the neighbor came home. She was very understanding. Having raised many children of her own, she had seen many a broken window. I was grateful for her attitude. She called her insurance company and found out the cost of the replacement. She has a $100 deductible. Michael and I will pay her tomorrow, but Benjamin doesn't know this. He will be spending the next few months worth of Saturdays working to earn money. At $5.00 per hour, that's a lot of work to be done. He will be taking the neighbor money as he earns it to pay for the window. She will thank him and then return the money to us (without him knowing).
My brother got into some trouble as a teenager for egging the car of a gentleman from church. My parents paid for the damage up front, but Shane had to face that man every Sunday and remember the consequences and severity of his actions every time he handed him money to go towards the total amount owed. This kind man would thank Shane and promptly hand the money over to my mom or dad.
Shane said that facing this man at church every Sunday was worse that the work he had to do to earn the money. Every time he had to give him money, Shane was reminded of his actions... and even more determined to not be so stupid again!
I pray that Benjamin will learn from this. That, as he faces our neighbor, he will learn (again and again and again) that every action has a consequence. And that part of life is learning to be accountable and responsible for your mistakes.
It has also been decided that Benjamin will not be using a BB gun, slingshot, bow and arrows, or any other "weapon", until he completes his hunter's safety course this summer.
I truly believe that the Lord blessed me today with patience and understanding. I believe that we handled this the right way... I pray that Benjamin (and our other children) learned enough from this incident to never do anything like this again.
I hope.
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