Goodbye Paxil... Hello Mr. Amazing

Alright friends.

Time to be honest. I quit. Cold turkey. I did it. What is it that I quit, you ask?

PAXIL

I am officially off Paxil.

(Feel free to call Michael and/or my children to offer your condolences, support, shelter, etc.).

For anyone who knows about Paxil withdrawals, you understand what this meant for my family. For those of you who are not familiar with the withdrawal symptoms, think The Wicked Witch meets Mommy Dearest. Add unprovoked tears, extreme irritability, and horrible electric zaps running through your body with every move. Don't even dare to add loud noises or chaos (in a family of six... yeah right!).

You also must know that the phrase we have lived by in our house for the past many years is this:

"PAXIL means PEACE"

My poor family.

Through this experience there has been a few things that have occured that I think are worth writing down. Please forgive the lack of elequency as I write, for I am simply typing as I'm thinking... not something I do well (typing OR thinking)... especially while not on Paxil. Hahaha (it's true).

When I first decided to quit taking Paxil so that I could find something better suited for what I need, I told ("warned") my family. I explained to my kids that it had been 4 days since I had taken my Paxil and that I was starting to feel the physical side effects of not doing so. Because of this, I was irritable and frustrated. I also TRIED to assure them that I was aware of my irritability and lack of patience and was taking whatever means necessary to remain calm.

Gladi-Rose quickly came up to me and sat right next to me on the couch. While gently resting her hand on my forearm, she tilted her head to the side, looked into my eyes, and patted my arm. "You're doin' real good, Momma."

What a big girl. She is truly a blessing to our family. Heavenly Father knew we needed her! She is such a peacemaker in our home. She is often the first to give in to a conflict or to try and find a solution for arguing (fighting) siblings. She craves harmony and really helps to create it.

Another thing that has happened is that I cried. I don't mean sobbing because I'm sad, or crying because I'm feeling hopeless. I just mean crying. And a lot of it. Not really for any good reason.

Last Sunday the girls were still sick and I was still "zapping" off my Paxil and not coping well. We decided that we would not go to church (they'd get everyone sick and I needed family time). We went for a drive instead (I needed this and God knew it, so no preaching, ok?) :-).

Here's about how the drive went:

No sunshine nearby. I cry
Decide to drive North to follow the blue sky. I cry
Feel like we're NEVER going to make it to the blue sky. I cry
Finally make it to the blue sky. I cry
Look at the pretty Eagles. I Cry
See the guy standing on the corner with the HOMELESS sign. I Cry
Listen to Weird Al song. I Cry
Pass the cemetery. I Cry
Laugh about camping memories. I Cry
Realize Austin is going to the dances this summer. I cry
Talk about Michael's grandma passing away. I DON'T CRY (Huh? That's odd)
Kids point out that I didn't cry. I CRY!

I cried because I didn't cry?!?!

It was actually quite comical. These weren't full-on crying fits. Just tearing up and spilling over, onto the cheeks enough that I couldn't hide it from the family.

I believe that memory will actually be something that we will continue to look back on with fond memories. I know... my family's a little (ok, a lot) strange.

The most wonderful thing that has come of this experience so far, though, has got to be my husband. He is amazing. He has been beyond supportive. I could not have even imagined the amount of support and love he has given me through this.

He has sent me away while he puts the kids to bed.
He has told me I'm "doin' real good" in grown up terms.
He has brought me flowers.
He has cleaned the house.
He has not taken it personally when I have bitten his head off for what I thought was a perfectly good reason at the time (it was trivial and childish).
He has gone out of his way to communicate with me when he will be late from work.
He has not freaked out when he gets home and I have done no housework.
He has done so many other things...

He has shown me unconditional love in its true form.

Never can I doubt his love for me (not that I did before, but I now have proof).

I can only hope to be the kind of friend and love to him that he has been to me.

These past two and a half weeks have been misery for me. Probably the darkest days of my life. But, thanks to Mr. Amazing, they have not been as dark as they had the potential to be. And, also thanks to him, my children have not suffered as they could have.

My prayer for you (whoever you are) is that you, too, will someday experience such true devotion and love.

This is the kind of love I imagine my Father in Heaven having for me. For you.

Gain a testimony of this love and you will never be the same.

I know I won't.